I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
