He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
