last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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