I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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