my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
