Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize