I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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