I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
