It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
