i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
