i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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