I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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