I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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