I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
