so explain again why im purple
no
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
