So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
