There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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