Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
