I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
