I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
