I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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