btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
