thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
