The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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