Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
