We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
