just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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