I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
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