Someone shit on the floor
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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