Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
