Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
