I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
