I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
