at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
