So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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