Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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