when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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