I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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