you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
