My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
