I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
