I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.