i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
