On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
