I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
