Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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