you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
