ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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