and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
