So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
