so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
