im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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