I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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