My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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