I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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