Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
