sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
