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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Barsexuality is the new black.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
