I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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