I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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