So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Randomize
